The Electric Horseman
Dear Izzy, Max, and Kate,
I sat with my hands over my face. Slowed my breathing,
released slow. easy. breathes.
felt hot tears fill the corners of my eyes, roll down my cheeks, around my fingers.
I wiped my eyes. Smiled.
I opened my eyes and saw people praying for one another.
The night mommy made me go to the Prayer Banquet at church.
I sat and wondered about how God decides. How much is free will. And how much is predetermined.
“Go there. And I’ll show you.”
But sometimes you have to wait on him. I got hung up on the idea that prayer is flowing
through me constantly. Even when I don’t feel it. Even with my eyes open.
When I curse the cold and my frustration seizes me.
When my knee hurts and I can’t run and I wonder what I’ll be without it someday.
When pride overwhelms me. When I’m thick with doubt.
When sickness won’t leave.
Especially those moments, I think.
“Prayer is the conduit through which the provisions of heaven flow,” she said.
I closed my eyes and tried to reconnect to the conduit.
When the sun shines on my face. When you kids crawl in bed with mommy and I early in the morning. When I run weightlessly at sunrise. When my own will takes a back seat and I feel the grace of humility. When what I have is plenty.
Those moments too.
With my eyes closed I thought about a movie I watched while I was sick – The Electric Horseman with Robert Redford.
Leading that prized horse back into the wild. Releasing him to run free.
Turning off the bright lights. Reconnecting. Realizing it was there all along.
I don’t know how it applies, but it’s what I thought about.
I felt Mommy’s hand touch my shoulder.
I love you,
Sunday: Ran 6 miles
Tuesday: Swam 1000
Wednesday: Ran 3 miles
Thursday: Spin bike 45 minutes
Friday: Swam 1000 / ran 3 miles